Letting go of things has always been a bit of a problem for me. I have held onto regret, guilt, anger, grudges for longer than I should. Always. Regret in particular is one thing that knotted in my stomach, replaying scenes over and over in my head until I feel like I might explode. It is a funny thing not being able to let go. Like some weird gone-wrong wiring in the brain. The need to replay something over and over again to traumatise yourself and cause yourself the most distress possible. Bizarre and very very annoying.
I was made aware this weekend that I had made a bit of a break through with one such thing. I won’t go into too much detail, but I found myself in the company of someone from my past that was party to one of the more distressing and anger inducing times in my life. Someone that was party to one of the worst betrayals ever. For a long long time I was angry, so angry I would lie in bed and think over and over about it, asking questions and reliving the whole thing. Even long after the whole thing was done and dusted with. I had not seen this person for about 3 years, maybe longer, and always dreaded the day it would come. We have mutual friends so I knew that one day it would happen. I found myself, with some of my best friends, some other friends and this person is there… and I laugh. I felt nothing any more. A very very close friend who is fiercely loyal was fuming, raging and I was calming them down. It didn’t matter any more. I had let go. I was not angry, I was not sad, I was not happy by any means but I was just indifferent. As I stood there in my new life, surrounded by some people from a less than happy time from my life and I was okay. I realised I hadn’t thought about this person or what had happened in a long time.
I guess time really is the greatest healer. I am in such a happier place in my life right now that none of that matters. Funny thing was, I know that this person is still a mess. Still in that place, lost, messed up and alone. I guess I am growing up, I don’t have time to hang onto that anger any more. I don’t have the energy, there are so many better things going on right now that I do not have to be angry any more. It is nice. It was unexpected but nice.
I feel good. I am good. I am happy. Learning to let go of anger without really realising, my brain just naturally seemed to work it all out. I guess time really is the best healer.